Petrarchive – THE DOCTOR IS IN

Someone I know has dissociative identity disorder and has like seven alters. Which is like none of my business but also what does this mean

since i was a kid i was insanely cynical and thought i was smarter (but not better) than everyone else. now that i'm an adult i don't know how to be internally humble or regularly be cultivating appreciation for other people into my daily life. it just feels tiring enough to get through the day.

I have an obsession with writing, even though my life is not that interesting, and my knowledge is limited to a divulgatory function for now.
I write so much about people that interests me that if someone found these files, he would not doubt to call me a creep. And sadly I think I am. Thankfully I take great care in not exteriorising any of these fixations, but the best thing would be to erradicate this "hobby" in its entirety and find more productive things to use my time.
I tend to be self-absorbed, and I hate that.
Finally, I over-intellectualise [?] the most minute real-life experiences (for example, writing an alternative version of a conversation I had, drafting plays consisting of made-up scenarios rooted in my reality, etc.) I daydream a lot and act little (in truth, I do the bare minimum to not starve; that is, keep going to work and make money to buy vituals-- I literally use a desktop PC from 2007 and a little phone from 2010. I think it's a virtue: If I had more desires, I would feel deprived of them due to my minimal economic means).
Sorry for writing so much, and so badly (English is not my first language). It'd be entertaining to see your diagnosis.

When I have settled into the ebb and flow of a relationship, I start thinking about other women. I desire my gf's friends, sometimes more than her. I start thinking and fantasizing about them. I don't think I would cheat, but it's a conflicting rush of guilt and passion when I think about them. Can you help me, doc?

>>4035
In almost all cases DID can be better described by already existing diagnostics. They likely experienced severe trauma at a young age. DID is often taken on as a coping mechanism - they are not "lying" (for they believe it to be real), even if their understanding of their psychology is faulty. The identity and the community gives them a sense of comfort. Try to have sympathy and redirect them to professional help if they are interested in hearing your advice.
>>4037
This is quite possibly a result of fear, anxiousness, or depression. Indicative of a low self esteem/self worth, and you put yourself above others because you hold yourself to high standards. These standards may be unreasonable from the average perspective but may be very important to you - try to remember that other people do not not operate in the same manner you do. Many people are dull and uninteresting - but try to consider if you have done the people around you a disservice by ignoring their unique perspectives and experiences. Something can be profound and meaningful even if the individual cannot properly articulate it. You may have had an overly nagging or neurotic parent. I recommend you find things you enjoy and think about why you enjoy them, and talk to people you would never usually talk to while trying to understand what they say and what they mean in a deep way.
>>4039
Many people have secret little rituals and things they do. Just because something is unusual and "creepy" does not mean it is wrong or bad. However, ritual daydreaming and fantasizing about alternate real life possibilities is indicative of unhealthy behavior and thinking. Paired with your statements on how you feel about your meager lifestyle, it paints quite a concerning picture.

It is highly likely that this is an anxiety response, and it indicates a low self esteem. Your thinking of this as a virtue is a way to comfort yourself and further isolate your ego in it's shell. Desire and want would be a good thing for you. Real life is messy, and hard. But there is a joy, a mirth, and true value you are missing. I recommend you try to step out of your comfort zone and spend more time in the world, interacting with people. It will be hard. Channeling your writing into fictitious stories by analyzing how you feel about things and why you want things would be a useful tool. Dwelling on minute details and your daydreams indicate that there is some part of you that wants to live a whole and fulfilled life, but rather than living that life you take comfort in the mere idea of it.
>>4041
Having bad thoughts is not a sin unto itself. You are not made bad by them, you are judged by how you act and respond to them. Our society is prioritizes a mindset of power, grind, and hustle, and these instilled values may have played a part in how this complex formed. The guilt and passion are not separate elements - you fetishize your own "sin" and get off to the idea of being "bad" and breaking the rules, which may relate to issues you have with your parents.
You must de-pathologize and not identify with these feelings, which will lead you on a route of self destruction. You must not feel guilty, because your guilt excites you, but must instead let your feelings wash off you.

I have felt since I was a child that I cannot fit in with other men and would have been better off had I been born as a woman, but I don't feel that I am a woman 'on the inside' or anything like that. I am guessing it is because my friends were all girls growing up, because I had effeminate behaviors.
It is very difficult because I feel inauthentic going about as a man, even though I am a man. And if I 'became' a woman I'd look inauthentic to others because I have a very masculine build, and I grew out of effeminacy when I became an adolescent so I'd just come across as a total freak, not even as one of the gay guys that women seem to like. (Importantly, I also don't believe that you can really change sex either, so I disagree with gender transition.)

I also have very low, well practically zero drive to get into a romantic/sexual relationship. I'm considering swearing off any sort of future relationship of that kind because, although it's a cliché, you have to love yourself to love others, and I can't love myself even a bit while I feel this way. An unusual number of people among my relatives don't reproduce and stay single which makes me think we all have a high mutational load in genetic terms.
I think I may be Aspergers/schizoid personality.
>>4039
This doesn't seem too bad, many writers of note would do things like this before they started writing for an audience, like Annie ernaux

>> No.4042

> You may have had an overly nagging or neurotic parent.

wow you're good at this

>>4039
I wish I was more obsessive like you. I am forced to write, mostly in my head - I comment on everything, but I rarely write it down. What I do bring to paper is similar to what you describe, but it's in the first person. It's this impressionistic slop no one would ever read. It's the reflections of something specific, since I believe only specifics warrant explanations.
I hate what and how I write and that's why I stopped writing altogether. *Being* a writer is the only thing I feel comfortable being because it's the only honest thing I do. Hating writing makes me hate myself.

Such is life.

I always found it funny that my mother calls my father, from who she separated, humorless, when she herself is just as if not more humorless than he is. He may laugh about his own jokes (often by himself), but she never has anything to laugh about.
Imagine growing up in such a household.

>>4047
What is a man? What is a woman? They have a biological component, but many of the things you may associate with them are entirely cultural. Is makeup feminine? Not in the slightest, it is a performance and a product, a chain and a powerful tool both. Many problems can be caused by the improper thinking about gender. It is not a fixed concept, untouchable and true, it is an ever-shifting combination of societal pressures.

I need more information on how you think about gender - what are feminine behaviors to you? What exactly makes you effeminate? The way you talk and your body language? If it is those superficial things - why is it important to your identity and self worth?
>>4049
Yours was something I could have written myself at a younger age. Remember that everything changes. How different are your own thoughts and ideas from what they were a year ago? Perhaps others might be on a path of their own. Are you truly better than them, or are they merely different from you? I assume you fancy yourself an intellectual. Do not use that identity as a defense - use it as a tool to better yourself. Try to keep in mind that perfection and achieving your goals are not achieved through stress and being hard on yourself. It is more efficient and healthier to give yourself some leeway and try to adopt a mindset of relaxation and play. I myself escaped this mindset largely by meeting interesting people who humbled me through their own wit and ideas.
>>4050
You seem quite convinced that what you create is valueless - is the a judgement learned from others or one you assume? Self hatred is in a certain sense selfish and egoistic in the same way that narcissism is. For the ones who despise themselves and are overly self consciousness assume things on others, place judgements and ridicule in their mouth and eyes that do not exist.

Please feel comfortable posting your work in this thread should you wish, I will not ridicule it. I would happily look for value in them, even if they are by no means great or even competent. I will read every word.

Do you have problems with identity? Do you dive into the role of "writer" because you are uncomfortable with the rest of yourself? If so, you are quite neurotic. It would do you well to consider yourself from a new lens, one of compassion instead of intense magnification. Do you have people around you who value you? Do you believe them when they compliment you? If you cannot bring yourself to feel love and compassion for yourself - even something like a passive acceptance would be greatly beneficial.
>>4051
If being around your parents causes you pain - avoid them in the short term. If their comments on each other make you uncomfortable, try to set a boundary. Our parents often do not realize the damage they cause us, the marks they've left on the psyche. How bitter they've left us, how we once thought with the naivete as a child that we could bring them closer. You may feel as if you are in pieces, and it may feel altogether a difficult task to glue those pieces into some concrete whole. I do not have an easy answer for this, except for to allow yourself to love and be loved, and to avoid the people who have hurt you if being around them causes you pain, even if they have the best of intentions. You may be bitter and angry over your childhood, and you are not wrong to feel this way. You need time, to adjust to a life outside of them, to allow yourself to heal and your tension to unwind.

>>4037
since i was a kid i was insanely cynical and thought i was smarter (but not better) than everyone else. now that i'm an adult i don't know how to be internally humble or regularly be cultivating appreciation for other people into my daily life. it just feels tiring enough to get through the day.

The opposite happened to me. I thought I was of equal intelligence to everyone else as a kid. I thought many of my peers were 'smarter' than me because they got better grades and so on. Now I know that was a result of pointless 'put you in your place' American-style social conditioning, especially at school and between children. I am actually smarter than they all are, but they were both able to adapt to the educational bureaucracy and the prevailing social conditions better than I was. Life since hitting double digits has been one tough lesson after another learning that I am actually rather significantly smarter than nearly everyone I meet.

I still don't consider myself that great; it just seems that everyone else seems to have these retarded sides to them. I'm no Einstein but I don't seem to fall into these traps that others do at one point or another. I'm decent/okay at everything I try and I do not have any obvious emotional or illogical outbursts. My personal ideology is consistent and doesn't swing back and forth in intervals. I am reasonably competent at maintaining a consistent and logically consistent lifestyle. I get jokes fairly quickly and most of the time. This is really how I see myself in isolation but damn if that doesn't put you at least in the top 90 percentile by itself. Even those with more raw brainpower than me are still stuck in their own ideological ruts and cliche thought patterns.

It's very disappointing and atomizing because I do want to connect to people (I guess we sort of arrived at the same destination anyway). I can't broach the subject anywhere or at any time because people will say that this is big ego talk, but it's not. It doesn't make me feel good when people say "you're so smart", it makes me feel sad because it means that everyone else around them must be fucking retarded if I'm the smart person they get to meet.

I, uh, I've been feeling lately like maybe I'm not reaching my full potential, you know? Like right now, I'm out looking for jobs and stuff, like I promised you, right? But then the other day a friend asked me if I watched Jeopardy last night and I said no. I said no, Dad. Me! I coulda been the guy who had seen every episode of Jeopardy for the past 5 years and I blew it. So I'm thinking of maybe going back to what I'm good at. You always said do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life, and hey I'm doing what I love and not working. So basically I'm following your advice.

>>4042
>You must de-pathologize and not identify with these feelings, which will lead you on a route of self destruction. You must not feel guilty, because your guilt excites you, but must instead let your feelings wash off you.
I like your response. I'm less influenced by hustle grind culture, and moreso recovered r9k lurking (and placing the social/sexual/romantic validation as the crux of my self-esteem), but I definitely have a complex of guilt-shame-eroticism. Separating feeling from self is something that actually always interested me, mainly because it seems like an impossibility. I understand that feelings are something which you can be somewhat distanced from, and you can observe them and create a rational explanation for their occurrence. But at the same time, one cannot help but feel emotion. Simultaneously, it is the most accessible and immediate sensation. It's reflexive. Sometimes, I do not even know why I feel a certain way, it just occurs. Except for the most robot among us, I think it's this way for most people, no?

Erotic thoughts are just that much more immediate, demanding, and, for me, compulsive. When I'm around women I find attractive, I cannot help but think sensually of them, and imagine myself to be in love with them. Sometimes I'm worried I am developing an infatuation with somebody else. A bit of I want my cake and to eat it too, I suppose.

I don't know if guilt is really at the forefront of my mind, truth be told. I mean, I do feel guilty and ill-at-ease for not just thinking of the person I have regular sex with. But I also wonder if I unconsciously don't want this relationship, and I should be single until I find someone I don't feel this way with.

I am chronically unemployed out of a mixture of laziness, disability, and lack of confidence/motivation. I feel guilty for leeching off of my surviving parent, but also desperate to avoid a more active and demanding lifestyle. I work relatively hard to develop interests/hobbies, improve my health+daily habits, and cultivate a good personal psychology, but am also self critical and underachieving. I feel like I have fallen away from society at large and am not a fully functioning person in the same way that others around me are. I think my life generally improves as time goes on.

Any thoughts Dr. SUCK?

>>4058
Are you perhaps neurodivergent?
Your post certainly indicates struggles with social settings. To me, it reads more like schizoid/antisocial than something like autism. I would be wary of the way you describe yourself - "My personal ideology is consistent", logically consistent lifestyle", "I do not have any obvious emotional or illogical outbursts". These are not the values people typically judge themselves on, and people may find it disturbing if you speak of yourself like this. Even an intellectual may scoff at these values, for humans are quite often emotional and erratic, and many thinkers will consider this when forming their philosophy, rather than valuing logic and rationality in the way you seem to.
I would recommend you look for friends and social connections you truly value. As you say, even if you're intelligent - you're not a unique genius like Einstein. There are surely people like you out there, that you may get along with and find intelligent enough to enjoy interacting with them. Use that brain of yours - where do these people spend their time? How should you approach them? What books should you read, what knowledge should you gain to have a fulfilling conversation with them?
>>4094
Ben, kiddo, you can see I'm on the computer right now. Important stuff.
>>4099
You must think very deeply about your girlfriend and what she means to you. How does she talk to and about you? How does she treat you? The unconscious is hidden from you, mysterious and ephemeral. This does not mean it is correct. It is, in fact, quite easily tricked.
If you consume porn, I highly recommend you quit, or perhaps shift to only using pictures of your girlfriend.

The mind is pattern based and cyclical. You think what you have thought before and will think in the future of what you think of now. It is not your initial reaction but more so how you respond to it, how you compartmentalize it, and how you change these reactions over time. I was having a conversation with my therapist friend (much unlike myself, she is a licensed professional), and she was explaining the method of action for SSRIs. They are not tools to correct a "chemical imbalance" - the mind is not a machine, and cannot be helped through simple tunings. Rather, they are a tool to make it easier for the patient to disregard negative thoughts, easier for them to escape thought loops of negative thoughts. Combined with other therapeutic methods, it can be quite effective. I say this to illustrate the power of thought - the power of how they reoccur in similar scenarios, and how this can be dysfunctional.

If you find yourself becoming lustful at the sight of women, it is likely a quite powerful and exciting feeling. Sexuality has a certain way of bypassing defenses. The power and strength of this feeling, while certainly quite real, is not anymore inherent to reality than other feelings. It is a layer abstracted. Think of 4chan and how they post and talk about women, have you unintentionally trained to yourself into this pattern? Have you, in your need for companionship, trained yourself to always be looking? A pattern to escape your loneliness, now dysfunctional?

It may do you well to associate your lustful feelings with a disarming thought. Every time these feelings rise up, you can make the thought just as instinctual as the feelings. Perhaps a funny cat, or one certain green frog in a suit. Perhaps you could picture your own conscious yelling "clean it up, janny!". User was banned for this post. These inherently silly images and thoughts might disarm the tension and distract the mind from your complex. With time, the complex can fade, the pattern weakened from not being fed. You must not directly fight it, as this subtly reinforces the narrative of it being a part of your world. Positioning yourself as the knight verses the dragon, or the priest resisting mortal temptations will feed the complex.

Tools to interact with and change the unconscious will be useful to you, as this is a deeply rooted problem related to your animal nature. Meditation and hypnotherapy may benefit you greatly. Repeating a mantra aloud - something you wish were true, stated as current fact - during the period of waking up or falling asleep will make your subconscious believe it.
>>4110
Knowing the general nature of your disability and why you perceive yourself to be lazy would be useful here. What do you mean by develop hobbies? Are you looking at your life as if it's a game, rather than pursuing your genuine goals and motivations?

I need more information here. For now, I will say that the lack of motivation is what I'm reading as the keystone of your issues. Are you vague and aimless? Do you not know exactly what you want, except for vague feelings about wanting to appease other people and be unbothered? Do your fantasies involve a form of freedom without expectation?

>>4159

(continued from >>4110)
I have a chronic sleep disorder that makes it impossible (for now at least-- I've been trying to manage it) to maintain a regular sleep schedule. While it is not officially recognized by the US government as a disability, from what I've heard from others who experience it and from what sleep doctors tell me, it is common for it to be a major disruptive force in people's lives.

Some of my laziness is downstream from this-- I have had periods in the past of constant intense fatigue and brain fog, coupled with intermittent sleep deprivation hallucinations. More recently, the laziness is just more of a malaise. My real therapist (no offense Dr. SUCK) sometimes uses the term 'demand avoidance' for this laziness-- an intense desire to avoid responsibility or putting effort into things. It's mysterious to me what the precise origin of this feeling is, but it has the effect of making it difficult for me to pursue things for longer periods of time without feeling trapped.

Of the two (appeasing people and being unbothered), the latter is what really drives me. I don't think I am a people pleaser at all. From what I can gather, people around me perceive me as intelligent and well-meaning, but sometimes direct to the point of social transgression. Personally, I think of this trait as a good thing and don't wish to temper this aspect of my personality.

Re: pursuing hobbies-- what I mean to say is that I have things I pursue and like doing, but none of them are the central axis around which my life revolves, and none of them give me an overarching sense of purpose.

I definitely want some type of freedom, but what the exact nature of that 'fantasy' is I can't really say. Motivation issues, to me, feel impossible to directly tackle. Even if 'deficient motivation' is the prognosis, how does one design an intervention to cure it?

Anxious university student. I was very good academically without needing to study much all throughout mandatory education and high school. I don't think I'm one of those people who didn't have to do a thing and then crashed when they had to study for the first time in uni. I think that while I would probably need to study more than before, it would be no big deal and I would do well. But that's the thing, I don't study. I don't go to class. I can't handle it. I think that it's because having to go to school five days a week from ages 3 to 18 was so taxing for me that the moment I wasn't forced to, even if I technically still should, I psychologically let go. I'm lucky that in Europe uni is cheap so my parents can pay for it without issues, but I obviously don't want to waste their money and my future by doing nothing of substance. I can't bring myself to study at home either. I'm so far behind already that the amount of work I would have to do deters me from it, so it only becomes worse.

I hate the term neurodivergent, but for simplicity's sake I'll say I fall in that umbrella. Also I was told very early on that I was gifted (not just because of grades, I was actually referred to do an actual IQ test). I didn't go to any special program for gifted kids or anything. There wasn't any of that in my school. And I think I'm glad it was like that because all of the former gifted kids you see on the internet seem self absorbed and immature. So, it didn't impact my education. I'm just saying it in case it's relevant.

There are physical and mental issues very present in my family. My father has a chronic illness that forced him out of work when I was 14, but he was very sick even before that and very emotionally volatile and erratic prior to diagnosis. Now he takes meds and things are a lot better, but it's like he completely forgot the way he was before (and part of it is undeniably also due to his personality, so, the way he is when very stressed and in pain). I get that I can't even understand how hard it must be to live like him, but I have been given no explanation and no meaningful apology for the many years he used to take his personal frustrations out on me. Usually by snapping for no good reason, threatening me, and sometimes hitting me. He wouldn't dare confront my mother about the ways she harms him and overall the people around her, so he took it out on me. But I was a child. And a very well-behaved child at that.

So, I hated school, the other kids didn't like me, but the teachers wouldn't let me be alone. I would have turned out a lot better if I had just been allowed to sit in a corner and entertain myself, but I was always scolded for that and told to go play with kids my age, as if I hadn't exhausted every possible option before deciding to sit by myself. Teachers liked me because I was unproblematic and got good grades, so they frequently sat me next to the annoying kids to manage them, or made me take care of the mentally/physically disabled kids. The few friends I had laughed at me for this, and the teachers loved that they didn't have to do it themselves so they didn't care I was stressed and isolated. Some of them still remember me as one of their best students. I hate them.

I couldn't calm down at school, I couldn't calm down at home, and I couldn't bring up my issues from school at home, because my father would talk to me privately and tell me very sternly that I shouldn't worry them about meaningless things. I remember one time I went to school being so so sick so as to not anger him that I fell asleep face down on the playground floor, and nobody noticed.

We had to move in with my maternal grandparents because of a lack of money when I was 11. The house is big so we live in different floors and I don't have to see them all the time, but it's still killing me inside. My mother is like them too. I don't want to speculate on what goes on inside their heads, but I swear I'd rather live with my father without his meds than with the three of them any day. Even after all of that I still relate to my father the most.

I guess it's not shocking that the one thing I want is to get the fuck out of here, but to do that I need to study/work, and it's exactly what I can't bring myself to do. I have a little sister and I want to protect her from this as much as possible, but I can't do it if I'm still dependent on these people. I have debilitating social anxiety too, but I've learned to manage it somewhat so I don't let it get to me, though it would be nice if it got better after years of trying to tackle it to no avail.

i've been feeling disconnected from everything. perhaps some distance between your running thoughts, sensory input, and actions is normal and ive been overthinking things, but i might be saying that to stem my hypochondria. i'm closing my first year at community college and i switched my major thrice because i don't have any real goals. it's like my dream is to be purely incedental to the world. my assignments have been doing poorly because of that, as what reason do i have to care? the only reason i'm not suicidal is that the world's too interesting to leave.
right now i've found that minor drug use serves as a good enough distraction. i want to obliterate my mind. total severance or pure instinct are so much more appealing than this slight distance. i don't know if i can fully ground myself without.
i fear it might be ruining my relationships as well. i don't know if i can truly connect with people the way everyone else does. do other people view communication as just a transaction of information? i often sit silent because there just isn't much i need to say, and i cannot really model or predict what people are thinking. this has a known cause - i was diagnosed with autism as a young kid - but i worry that it'll inevitably push people away.
i don't know if this means anything. just rambling.

I feel guilty about everything all the time. I'm always hyper-paranoid about being a burden on others, or annoying them, or causing them harm or misfortune somehow. I've been trying to get my own business going but it's been difficult because I legitimately feel guilty charging people money. It feels deeply wrong somehow.

I'm tired of everything. Nothing really makes sense to me. It seems I'm unable to experiment pleasure or joy, even when doing things I thought I loved, or did in the past. The only moment I feel alive is when I have to cram for exams. It'd been three years consisting of long, dull weeks mixed with weeks filled with activity and stress. In these moments the sheer pressure of not living up to my standards makes me focus solely on doing, and in the end to live is to act. Other than that, I drown myself in overthinking. I overthink so much... I lived twice as much mentally as in real life. Dreams are my comfort place, my realm. I sleep a lot.
I've never had a friend, let alone a girlfriend. This isn't a figure of speech or an exaggeration: I've literally had zero friends.
I guess I tried to mask it with high grades and a false overconfidence. I wanted to feel I was good at something... And it seems I was particularly apt at adapting to the education system. However, I don't really believe in it, I don't feel I'm smarter than my peers because of a number on a paper. On the other hand, it's the only thing I'm good at. But now I'm demotivated. All of this for what? Why live?
My father had a lot of expectatives for me, his only son. I think he's ashamed of me. I was never the kind of descendant he wished. I guess with time he's given up on me. My mother didn't really want me to exist, and has been very vocal about. I'm a burden for everyone, I'm a burden for myself. But I keep rollin', because I still have some hope left. Tomorrow... The land of infinite possibilities. But I know it's very unlikely things will change for me.

Sorry for the dump.

This is a cool thread. Thank you everyone for for talking about your life with openness. A nice change of pace from the dismissive 'nice blog post retard' image board culture of old.

>>4178
Sleep disorders are difficult. I know someone with a longer circadian rhythm than usual and it significantly interrupts his life. He has to choose between being sleep deprived or not being able to hold a job/commitments.

I would certainly avoid using the language lazy - because the truly lazy desire and enjoy their listlessness. The term implies that you choose to be so, or that you have some inherent flaw.

However if you feel as if you have no driving force, no raison d'etre, how can the avoidance of life be in itself the problem? It is quite normal that you do not wish to engage in something that you find bothersome and without worth.

The central axis, the core, is something you can simply decide. Think on what you would look like ideally, without pressure or needs. How would you spend your days? Although many people 'find' their purpose or feel as if it has found them, this does not make it more significant than simply deciding "I want to live with passion, so I will choose this or that to make my purpose." And if, in doing so, you find that you would rather focus on something else? All the better, for that is in itself finding the purpose.

>>4188
If you don't want to study, don't study. There are many paths in life - and it doesn't require a degree to make money, or be intelligent. A good friend of mine makes good money as a diesel mechanic. He is a fantastic pianist and trumpeter. He himself left his childhood home the second he turned 18 to escape his mother's tyranny. Your life sounds difficult, and I lament that you have no time to rest.

Your family has not treated you well. I would reason they don't know you very well. Why then, should you heed their advice or pressures? Think practically and find a way to escape. Perhaps a trade, or even a minimum wage job. Landlords can't actually see your bank accounts (though they can the credit score) - you can lie about savings to secure a place. Living on your own will be a struggle, but being free and being able to work on helping your sister may well make it worth it.

On your father - it is not wrong him to feel positively about him. People are complicated. I had a difficult time with my own father, he has cooled off as he has aged and I have a good relationship with him now.

Social anxiety is difficult and I wish there was an easy option. You must push yourself out of your comfort zone to fix this, but it is a slow and nonlinear thing. Once you manage to get out of your current situation, you may find it much easier to push yourself and heal.

>>4214
Of note is that if the drugs you experiment and escape with are hallucinogenic or disassociative - these can lead to feelings of derealization and depersonalization. The distance you describe can be a thought loop. It can also be genuine, a feeling borne from deep melancholy or living a life you are dissatisfied with.

You seem depressed. The desire to sever yourself from the world and the lack of goals is concerning. If you have some comradery - it is always possible to ask people what they are thinking and gently ask what they think of you. This may abate your reasonable fears. I urge you to find interest or meaning in things. You call the world interesting - explore that.

>>4216
A certain amount of this trait makes you a kind and thoughtful person - too much is self sabotage. If you need, calculate the price and costs so that you have a healthy margin. The truth is that if people are paying for it, it is because they think it is worth it. Only feel bad if you're selling insulin.

>>4259
Social skills can be learned and practice, in the same way you learn anything. Especially without meaningful connection, life can seem dull and pointless. We are social, in our very hearts. It makes me very happy that under everything you have not become entirely despondent, that you still have hope. I urge you to find friends. It is not an easy thing. Doubly so if you aren't used to it. But the casual advice from a friend may be significant to you, may help you discover what you'd truly like to do with your life.

Without connection, with an insular life, anhedonia is more of a rule than an exception. You seem defined by the expectations and pressured placed on you. School being the only thing you're good at does not mean that it is the only thing you're good for, does not mean it is where your value lies or where your time is best spent.

Do not fret the dump. It's what this thread is for.

I find that I perform a lot of mental rehearsal when it comes to how a conversation or potential interaction would go and I don't know how much of that is
>me as a human
>me personally
>me as a filthy autist

I categorically reject all usage of "autistic" in this thread. Let us break from the completely meaningless degeneration of that word and lack of meaning and come up with a new paradigm.

>>4281
Schizoid personality disorder was the old-fashioned term, with Asperger's it covered the field of awkward/odd/eccentric/asocial individuals

I've been sort of mustering up a courage to use the opportunity provided by this thread (it's refreshing to chance upon someone willing to listen and sift through my disheveled thoughts, usually I am the one to do such thing for others, and /pt/ is inhabited by posters by and large more thoughtful than, say, /adv/ or reddit, so I am a bit hopeful tbh) and write a post for over a week now, believe it or not.
And I kept meandering on what to actually write about relating to myself and my messy life. And over the course of days I realized, it's kind of impossible to pick one thread to have a go at. It's all gone so wrong to the point that it became like a stew, or more aptly described, a gruel: every problem has fed into other problems to the point that they all mixed into mash of perfect consistency. And I'm not sure even I possess the full picture of it all, and that even if I literally conquered this thread with my droning (driving everyone else in the process) I'd actually manage to actually give a full testimony of it. Can't help but wonder if this is natural consequence of person putting themselves in the position where they can just endlessly ruminate and stew in their own juices for sufficiently long time.

>>4309
Yeah, you're backing yourself into a corner (in order to maintain the status quo?). No one said a full picture was necessary.
Just do it, wrongly maybe, it's often better than doing nothing.

>>4309
Write it messily. Write it disjointed. Don't try to untangle the gordian knot. Try to describe it's shape and form, messy as it may be.

I hate how smart people get caught up in these endless loops of introspection. But I also understand why. Around age 25, all the endless questions about myself found answers, but it took a decade of constant thinking to get there.

Disappointingly, there's a lot of shit you'll never get a clear answer on. Smart people wanting to understand themselves is natural, but in my experience it's mostly "what you see is what you get". A ton of shit can't be pinned down to trauma. You might be overly sensitive but have a lot of pride, but that's just your real personality, even if it makes life hard. I always hoped for some deeper understanding after all that introspection, but it sorta never came. There's not always a "why".

>>4337?
>Around age 25, all the endless questions about myself found answers, but it took a decade of constant thinking to get there.
Which questions?; which answers?

>>4337
I'm not the Doc, but I can relate to your quest for answers. I kind of feel like I went through the quarter life crisis a decade earlier. Maybe I'm wrong and get another bout of anxiety in a few years, but my teens were plagued with nervousness and a very intense feeling of dread and urgency, as if I was wasting my life by not doing anything else, and felt like I had to have everything figured out before I became an adult. I know most people have bad mental health in those years, and I myself had a depressive episode at age 16, but this feeling of anxiety over having to figure everything out and an extreme aversion to the constraints of being a minor and losing time were separate from that, and much more ingrained in me.

I'd like to share a quote with you that I really like, from a short book that I also love "Letters to a young poet" by Rainer Maria Rilke, which addresses this exact concern and I've found very useful: "You are so young, all still lies ahead of you, and I should like to ask you, as best I can, dear Sir, to be patient towards all that is unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms, like books written in a foreign tounge. Do not now strive to uncover answers: they cannot be given to you because you have not been able to live them. And what matters is to live everything. Live the questions for now. Perhaps then you will gradually, without noticing it, live your way into the answer, one distant day in the future."

I already wrote a few paragraphs detailing my life a few days ago, I just wanted to share this with you and with anyone else who might find it useful.

>>4347
Very nice.
This is Freud (uncover the source to get better) vs Adler (looking for a cause is a waste of time).

>>4350
Not familiar with Adler or Freud beyond the surface level care to elaborate? I would personally relate them to Camus and the greater nihilist crisis because I am more familiar

If Dr. SELFSUCK, M.D. feels that I am encroaching or being intrusive, please tell me to fuck off.

>>4037
I never considered myself smarter however I have, for the most part, considered myself as more 'self-aware'/'introspective' specifically than the normals. I humble myself by recognizing the abhorrent fact that I am also a human and thus capable of nasty barbarous activities as my fellow humans, that is, cruel physical torture, unjust harm, rape, murder; much of my 'morality' stems from this and is a strong reason why I never understood religious-oriented ethical codes. To add to Dr. SELFSUCK's analysis, I agree that you be projecting your high standards onto others, as I definitely did/do this and I cannot be the only one. In my experience its not the "oh no people do not have my opinions" viewpoint of the modern day but more the willingness to accept critique and grow as a person, seeking genuine interactions in good faith as opposed to the "I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!" schoolyard rhetoric that grows off the low-hanging fruit of more-popular social websites. Forgive me I ramble.
>>4110
I am in a similar situation as you; sharing a home with one parent aiming for further fulfillment in life. Much of my roadblocks pertain toward finance whereas you may have other preferences. For example I would like to improve my physical health but I cannot run because I have tight tendons which prevent that as any realistic avenue of exercise; no pool or nearby body of water to swim in; no sidewalks or paths nearby for a bike; can't afford a home gym or gym subscription nor want to deal with a crowded building. Who are you comparing yourself to and what are their subjective 'accomplishments' that lit the fire in your mind?
>>4178
Your comment about offending Dr. SUCK made me laff. Bless Dr. SELFSUCK, and more importantly, bless the admin for creating this light in my life.
>'demand avoidance' for this laziness-- an intense desire to avoid responsibility or putting effort into things
This reminded me of a conversation I had with a colleague in grad school about the concept of 'existential guilt' - which, from what I remember, was the mundane concept of acknowledging an obligation and then letting it go(?) At the time my colleague, and I especially, were putting together powerpoint presentations or a speech, at one point, the morning OF a class presentation, or writing a paper the night before. Now that I type it out, I believe it had more to do with accepting your own personal method of as opposed to adhering to some standardized normalized 'guideline'. What type of freedom do you search? Could you define freedom?
>>4337
Why the significance of age 25? If this is some obtuse reference to Jay Gleid(?)'s study of human maturity and frontal lobe development, his sample size ended at 25 so people assumed "people" mature around 25 and that was it.

>>4338
>Which questions?; which answers?
Let me give an example.

My family is made up of construction workers, truck drivers, drug addicts, and gamblers -- but by some miracle of nature I came out pretty smart. So they put me in advanced classes, next to children who live on hilltops and have gardeners and maids. I found it impossible to make friends with these people. But in 6th grade they put me in a Spanish class with some of the dumber students of the school, and magically, socializing with them was easy. We had the exact same humor.

And yet, we had different interests. There was a time when my interests were similar to other smart people, but eventually I developed a set of theories about how the human mind works, and I find everything else boring. I make art too, but I find art boring unless it helps express my theories. I am well aware I'm destined to be alone. Nature has made me a strange frankenstein of a person, so that's only natural. I just hope I can develop my theories and release them for the benefit of mankind one day.

>>4390 (You)
Also I'm not usually this shit at writing, I've just had horrible sleep the past few nights.

(cont. from 4178)
>>4277
Yeah, I'm pretty much in the same boat as your friend. I've had a few diagnoses over time, but the most recent one was 'non-24 circadian rhythm disorder.' Attached is a graph of my sleep from a few years ago, when I was tracking it every day. For reference, a normal schedule would have solid black columns on either side, and a white column in the middle.

I can appreciate your point about using the right language -- often negative self-labeling is part of a destructive feedback loop of hyper-critical self-talk. That being said, I do think that it's the best word to describe what I experience. 'Unwilling to exert effort' -- that's me. I try my best to focus on which aspects of my behavior are subject to change/intervention, rather than, as you say, the language of inherent or innate negative traits. I would like to understand more deeply the root cause and mechanism of my laziness, then maybe I could take action to change it more effectively...

I feel like I've tried to do what you're talking about and simply decide or commit internally to a purpose. The issue I run into is one of fickleness. If one day I feel fired up and committed, and then the next I have a sudden sense of alienation from the things that gave me a transient sense of purpose before, I am left with greater disorientation and self-doubt than when I started. Perhaps this is a manifestation of fear of failure? I've been trying to find more through-lines between one day and the next, and get past this feeling of being out of touch with the me that exists at every point of time other than the current one. Recently, I've been trying again to establish habit and routine, a process made more difficult by my lack of biological rhythm. But as soon as I start to impose structure on myself I feel immediately panicked and trapped. I don't understand why.

>>4369
Thanks for weighing in friend. If I understand what you're describing correctly, it's actually quite close to what I'm trying to get at. It's not a freedom from corporeal constraints so much as it is a freedom from psychological tension. I don't want to exert less effort and accomplish less, I want to be able to accomplish more and work harder without a feeling of strain or internal resistance. Freedom from worry, freedom from doubt, a sturdier sense of psychological safety regardless of circumstance. Probably a lot of this has to do with escaping the inherited anxious behaviors of an intensely neurotic mother. I don't know if I can phrase it in terms of a strict definition or put it more succinctly but maybe that starts to outline what I'm gesturing at?

>>4279
Rehearsing a conversation is not particularly problematic (or even unusual) unto itself. The metacognition wrapped up with anxiety is the real problem, and the rehearsal is a soothing and coping mechanism. Do not overly worry about this, it will naturally go away if you are able to increase confidence and recover from anxious thinking
>>4309
There is nothing you could write that would be wrong. It does not need to be neat or organized. Even the difficulty you find in describing yourself is a useful hind about your mental landscape.
>>4337
This has truth to it. Life and the mind are intertangled and self-referencing. Every effect has a multitude of causes, and every cause indiscernible. You are not wrong that many things have no clear answer and that searching for one can lead one to needless stress.

However, I do find fault in the concept of a "real" personality. To reduce the complexities of thoughts and behaviors to a biological or rigid internal structure is simplistic and may lead one to believe these qualities are unchangeable. Your personality itself changes in a minute fashion with every thought you have.
>>4390
>>4391
You are of a rare breed, but do know that people like you exist everywhere. Your circumstances have seemingly given you the belief that you are quite special. Although this may be true, it comes off as pretentious. Your ego seems to be too large as a result of not being able to find good conversation with proper intellectuals. This could also be defensive from low confidence, as your statement about being destined to being alone is quite grim. (If you're intelligent, why are you not able to attract someone? Or is the opposite gender simply boring and beneath you?). The people you went to advanced classes with are not intellectuals, or even necessarily intelligent. I urge you to find people who can critically engage with your ideas, who you can form a bond with.
>>4347
Lovely post. That is a very nice quote.
>>4369
You are not overstepping your bounds, I welcome your perspective. In playing my role as The Doctor, I've intentionally not spoken overly on my personal life or history. I must be, actively, the role I am playing, or my advice will be flawed and personal. See already how the individuals in this thread treat the character with some amount of respect despite the lack of any actual credentials. Through the ritual, it becomes real. I appreciate that your posts can be more personal and less formal where I cannot, a couple of your statements could have come from my own mouth.
>>4411
It's a difficult problem. My friend is lucky enough to be self employed so he doesn't have to stick to a strict schedule. I wish you the best of luck. If you'd like, I could ask him for any advice or tips he has for the condition.

Your self-described laziness seems to cause you quite a bit of stress. Why do you desire to rid yourself of this trait in the first place? Although modern therapy is typically effective at improving people's conditions, it does have a certain moral judgement to it. There is an archetype of a healthy and functional person, and it's goal is to move you closer to that. In doing so, it fails specific people in certain ways. They slip through the cracks. If this archetype is not desirable to you, there is no need to hold yourself to it or try to work towards it. Are you sure your laziness is an unwillingness to expend yourself, rather than an inability?

Stressors will be ever present for the rest of your life. It is not them that you can change, but your reaction to them and your resilience to them. I recommend meditation for this.

Committing to a purpose does not mean you have to actually do it. It is for more important that you change the way in which you think and identify, as your actions will become driven by this. You are smarter than your mind, and you may fool it as you please for your benefit. Ritual is useful. Something does not have to be "true" for you to believe it. And belief is a powerful tool.

Quite paradoxically, it may help you to be more "lazy". Particularly if you often find yourself not doing anything of worth, yet not enjoying your time and being stressed by how you're "wasting" it. Saying "I'm going to be lazy today, but I'm going to enjoy it" would help to destigmatize it in your mind. From laziness to rest. It is quite true that the people who work the hardest and output the highest quality are people who live with a light heart and a certain playfulness. If your goal is to become a line worker in a factory, pure willpower will do just fine. For anything more intellectual or creative, resting and relaxing can be described as a part of the work, for it is essential to it. Man does not thrive in a strict schedule of stress and work.

my tummy hurts

>>4430
Only god can save you then

>>4411
>psychological tension
Yes. To place more context and reiterate a bit, I would correlate it to comparison of others--as we all are want to do such a thing. Back in college I was spending less time and traveling through different means in order to achieve the same degree. At one point, a rude female professor asked me "why I wasn't as ambitious as >I want to be able to accomplish more and work harder
Toward which goal(s)? I read through your posts and forgive me if I missed anything but while I see much vaguery I see no actual explicit mention of any direct interest or hobby on your part. Are you entangled with moreso the idea of having some Goal to strive toward? What is your daily life like?
>anxious behaviors
>neurotic
Agreed.
>>4429
Please don't fret about any credentials. You already sound more willing to listen than several distant colleagues that I shared a department with during graduate school, the loud vocal personally-opinionated stereotype that disregards empiricism where their feelings begin, who are now licensed and practicing mental health counselors. As dismaying as this was to learn, did you know that not all counseling master's programs (by and large the bulk of what any counselor('s qualification) that the average person would interact with) do not require a neuroscience course? It's all theory-based. What a mess!

>>4277
the drugs i mentioned were just low doses of cannabis and alcohol, and i've been avoiding those for a bit. that, along with the summer air, seems to have helped. it might be circumstance, but maybe altering my perception leads to ruminating more whether or not im fully present while sober.
perhaps i'm lucky to be paranoid about addiction and to have bad experiences consistently. helps to moderate use.
dissatisfaction is certainly present. i have passions, but i want to set them aside to find some path that's stable enough to afford me a space to live. maybe my worries about the future are forcing me into misery, as i've internalized that my core passions are obsolete and so just need to find a substitute.
writing this, it looks like getting out of my head by talking to strangers and reading old books would help with most of what i've described.
thank you.

Once upon a time, life was important. Food was delicious, gum was sweet, movies were life-changing, music was moving, beds were soft, rain was soothing, hot chocolate was delicious, and friends mattered more than anything. Life was full of promise and possibility. Then something changed.

I stopped feeling emotions. With this, my senses too went numb. For many years I panicked, wondering just what could be the cause. After many failed psychiatric treatments, I figured it out. I was raised almost solely by my father, but for as long as I can remember he's represented a kind of emotional gray area, like some dark spot in your vision which is not painful to stare at, but which returns no answers either, a strange outline surrounding a void.

My father is also bipolar. Even now, most of my nightmares feature him. When I was in school, he was addicted to opioids and made life a living hell, but emotionally I could never hate him; only fear him or consider him a nuisance. In this way, he was more like a natural phenomenon or a creature than a person. Whether I have ever loved my father or not, I cannot be sure, but it is very likely I did, and whatever love did exist must have shattered before age 8, when my first coherent string of memories appears. So all appears to be settled: Heal the trauma, and love life again.

But I don't do it. Why? Maybe fear. Maybe apathy. Maybe it's a lost cause at this point. Imagine that -- a cold adult becoming a sensitive child again in this world of ours, with no money, no connections, one friend. How can you really bear it? Wouldn't you be crushed?

Wellbutrin for seemingly intractable apathy? Not only am I nowhere in life, I have no desire to be anywhere else... had feelings of anguish and so on which gave way to just lassitude and indifference about five years into it. I'd take any drug, but would prefer to avoid the sexual dysfunction entailed by SSRIs given I already feel insufficiently interested in any sort of relationship of that sort

>>4684
I have never seen people who got out of the emotional numbness regretting it, however late it happened in their life. I suspect it is because the "no-emotion is better than bad-emotion" childhood strategy becomes more painful with time (also more silly: the adult, stuck in a child cage, holding the key, pretending everything is fine).

> a cold adult becoming a sensitive child again in this world of ours, with no money, no connections, one friend. How can you really bear it? Wouldn't you be crushed?

Let your light shine in the retarded darkness of this world... "Strength" and "weakness" are enslaving concepts and can be totally disregarded

>>4696
>I suspect it is because the "no-emotion is better than bad-emotion" childhood strategy becomes more painful with time
Painful is the wrong word. Anyone who's successfully numbed themselves doesn't feel much pain.
Probably, it's because emotions are so obviously the meaning of life that not feeling any at all has to seem insane in retrospect.

But I'm the kind of person who asks, "Really...?" in the face of everything. For example, most pains in life are short-lived, and the ones that last are generally psychosomatic. But there is chronic pain, for instance. Studies show that most chronic pain disappears during dreams, and can also disappear or significantly wane on psychedelics. Yet there are some pains that persist even in dreams, and even on psychedelics. You'd imagine then that some pains are absolutely inescapable, but this is probably not true. More likely, these people have felt the imprint of pain so deeply onto their psyche that they cannot now conceive of life without it. That pain is intrinsically linked to the body is debunked by those rare cases of people who never feel pain. So in other words, no part of material reality has an absolute bearing on how we feel.

That's the view of a traumatized person who's done more thinking on this topic than almost anyone. Ironically, my childhood wasn't that bad. Before age 14, there's only a single memory that sticks out as horrible, and it was only my father shouting and driving irresponsibly. But even something like this can have lifelong effects on a child. Maybe even a positive one, if that's not going too far. Something like, "You're an abnormally sensitive person, so when that hammer falls, it's going to kill you. Protect yourself, or you're going to die." If I hadn't numbed myself then, what happened as a teenager would have broken me forever. Anyway, when I have emotions again, I'm going to be prepared: For cancer, for death, for chronic pain, you name it. Maybe for that reason, I'll make it out alive.

>>4709
>So in other words, no part of material reality has an absolute bearing on how we feel.
If you're an accomplished Buddhist monk, yes.
Numbed or not, it is still pain. Like that guy that went around carrying a giant cyst in a wheelbarrow. The cyst was not physically painful, his life working around that cyst was.
>That's the view of a traumatized person who's done more thinking on this topic than almost anyone.
There are probably a lot more of people like you than you think (see Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families, for instance). Believing you're alone and unique in your suffering is actually quite characteristic of that type of dysfunction inherited from childhood.

>>4709
>That's the view of a traumatized person who's done more thinking on this topic than almost anyone
>Before age 14, there's only a single memory that sticks out as horrible
I am honestly not trying to bash on you my brother but am I supposed to take this naive commentary seriously?

>>4717
Yeah, >>4709 is probably young and naive.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder#Prognosis

>>4731
It does read a lot like astrology, doesn't it?

>>4717
>>4725
Does someone have to be molested or attacked to be traumatized? Is it not the effect that's produced in the mind of the child, and how it goes on to affect them, that actually matters?

I think your responses here are honestly retarded. I've had to spend over a decade of my life without emotions, without feelings, with zero friends, with chronic stomach problems, insomnia, anxiety, irritability, extreme sensitivity to noise and light, endless boredom, disrupted circadian rhythm, impulsive decisions... because I'm young and naive? Perhaps I should have asked my father to hit me, so that my problems could become "real".

But I'm not offended. It's not a thing like, "We need to take trauma seriously, whether it's the violent kind or the more subtle stuff". It's more like, "This phenomenon so obviously occurs in Y way and not in X way, that if you seriously believe in X way, there's no chance you've ever devoted serious time or thought to understanding this issue, and you should stop talking about it". I'm annoyed from a scientific angle. It's so obvious that trauma does not have a 1:1 causal relationship with tangible things, like "You were raped, so you get the rape trauma". It's just defense mechanisms, and they spring to mind for whoever needs them. If you want to "gatekeep" mental illness, then you're free to do that. Meanwhile I'll be trying to actually understand this shit on its own terms.

>>4477
I appreciate it. Academia in many fields is quite depressing.
>>4634
It is not uncommon to become trapped by defining one thing as the predicate as another. If you think of your own passions as secondary to your life, it is quite possible you will reach the end of your time and realize you haven't spent it in an enjoyable or fulfilling way. Yes, money is necessary for modern life. It should still be secondary to your actual goals and desires.

I wish you the best of luck in your efforts. Rumination can be a quiet suffering.
>>4693
I'm not comfortable providing information on specific medications considering I don't have experience with them. I'd recommend talking to a qualified shrink and discussing possible treatments. Preferably one who will help you on your issues outside of just prescribing medication.

I'm against medication in some general sense, and I think they are unnecessary for treatment in a sort of strict or pure sense. However, unless you have all the time and motivation in the world, in practical terms medication is a fantastic tool to help you get on track.
>>4684
>>4709
>>4756
You are quite right that even the mundane can be traumatizing, especially in the case of a child. Neglect can be brutal on an individual. Even should that neglect be emotional in nature.

Do you ever have moments were you are stricken with fear or sadness?

You don't need to fully recover from your trauma to heal. As an example, it is often said "you must love yourself before you seek love". This is quite the opposite of reality, wherein hurt people who are shown love and kindness slowly learn to appreciate themselves.

I agree that you are likely to some degree afraid. To live a genuine life is, to a sensitive person, to live with a hand near an open flame. I would recommend adopting a bohemian lifestyle to some degree. To engage in indulgences and to produce art. Find anything that makes you feel, for surely there must be something, and use that as a tool to decalcify the rest of your emotions. Think deeply on your emotions (or your lack of them) and use whatever artistic medium you prefer to to draw something out.

I apologize on behalf of the somewhat unsympathetic responses you've gotten.
>>4710
There is some merit to his points which you appear to have disregarded. Although your analysis seems accurate to me, I believe the way in which you've responded to his claim was unnecessary and you disregarded what he was actually saying.
>>4751
Astute observation. Many so-called mental illnesses are not biological or structural in nature, but rather a loose constellation of symptoms. It is a useful framework for treatment, but it is important to keep in mind so that you may approach an individual as an individual.

I can only make friends by cooperating on a project or by discussing an academic subject. If I try to make friends in any other situation I either end up in conflict with everyone else there or I just get socially rejected.

>>4316
>>4326
>>4429

I’ll do my best to summarize the most salient points in concise few sentences short bites. I’m not sure what’s the character limit on here. I redacted it many times, I am not terribly into the idea of actually posting this, but at this point I would rather to just get at least some of it out.

I don’t feel like a “real” person. It’s hard to articulate properly. Real people have stories and experiences to relay, accomplishments in either career or interests, circle of friends and acquaintances ( I’m already of age where some have their own families), exes etcetera, right? I’ve never done anything in my life. Good, bad, out of the blue. I don’t really have many human experiences to bond over with others and I am fundamentally not an interesting person (and it only gets worse after the first impression) and people can smell this a mile away. I don’t really participate in popular culture very much, and anything I could say to people I meet seems either too banal to bother saying, or too pretentious and pseudish. And really, holding conversation is not really mu suite. I can only really express myself in writing.

I have years of my life that I can’t account for at all, I’ve wasted all the opportunities I was given. I’m nowhere in my life, though, as romans would tell you back in the day, it’s somewhat hard to get anywhere if you don’t know where you want to be, so it’s hardly a surprise. While I can with some effort, connect the dots to chart rough trajectory of my life and it technically coheres, it doesn’t really cohere to me personally. Even given time machine, I don’t think outcome would be much different, because it doesn’t feel like I was ever able to actually learn and internalize any life lesson I should have. I have zero agency of my own, and I never had conviction in virtually anything.

Despite having massive amount of free time I don’t feel like doing anything at all, ever. I feel like I’ve lost any creative bone I may have had. I used to enjoy drawing (though I never actually drew well, it was just doodles). Can’t focus on reading anymore. I was this “idea guy” archetype, with bucket worth of pitches for just about anything you could think of, and now it’s all just gone, it’s dry. Nominally I still have hobbies, but factually I barely engage with them anymore on any level other than vapid, sickening consumerism. Only thing that still actually engages me in any way is watching movies, when I can find anything actually nourishing. Though I did start getting into Mahjong as of time of writing this, so there’s that.
I still sleep like a teenager. I’m not really sure to what extent this is more of an issue with lack of energy and some underlying medical cause. And that’s with actual coffee addiction going on, even though I actively dislike being awake to start with. It might be that I prefer garbage of the conscious mind recycled into these neat little films that are dreams, stupid and meaningless as they are, snoozing the life away in the comfort of warm woolen blanket. It’s been like that pretty much since adolescence.

I’ve burned so many bridges with pretty much most of the people that constituted my (small) circle over the years. And all things considered they’re much better off, since at my best I was just kind of there, and at my worst I would poison their lives with neuroticism, cynicism and sadness. And these are all the things that are so very cheap, anyone can afford them without assistance.

To be frank with you I don’t even hate the hand I was dealt in life. Certainly not the worst you could get. I have little against the table I’m playing at, I never complained over the game I and others find ourselves playing, and I’m largely indifferent about the people I’m sitting at that table with (though the ones that were to teach me how to play that game didn’t do a good job in my opinion, which is not terribly uncommon). If I had to say what of it all I really dislike it’s the person sitting in my seat, holding my hand of cards and making calls.

In times different, not necessarily better, than our own schmucks and duds like me would be conscripted en masse and die ignobly from dysentery or infected wound, without ever really verbalizing anything novel or accomplishing anything important. People who are some of the most finely ground dust on the desert of history, even before they die. But for now we’re left to our own myopic wailing in relative prosperity of the moment, writing such pathetic drivel that had been written countless times before.

>>4756
Now you put words into my mouth that were never typed nor implied, and go straight for a direct personal attack the instant you were not agreed with in all totality?

I sincerely hope you cross this hurdle in your life without harming another human being.

>>4782
>Think deeply on your emotions (or your lack of them) and use whatever artistic medium you prefer to to draw something out.
This is good advice, thank you.

>>4798
>Now you put words into my mouth that were never typed nor implied, and go straight for a direct personal attack the instant you were not agreed with in all totality?
I said your responses were retarded, not that you are. I wouldn't call you retarded.

>I sincerely hope you cross this hurdle in your life without harming another human being.
It's kind of depressing how much we misunderstand one another. I wrote multiple paragraphs for each post to make it clear how I felt, but it seems all of that failed, so instead of actually understanding me you're left to guess each time, with the first post's impression being "Young and naive", and the second one's being "Hostile and delusional". I often get upset at people reading negative intentions into my words when they misunderstand me, but it seems I've done the same to you, so sorry for that. I should be more clear with my words.

To be frank, I think some people have more naturally sensitive "nerves" or emotions than most of the population, so that while any kind of verbal or physical abuse can be traumatic for children, highly sensitive kids will be more deeply affected by anything that happens. This is why Kurt Cobain's life was ruined by his parents' divorce at age 9, in my opinion. It's also possible Nietzsche's entire fate was sealed at age 4 when his father died. Despite 4 being incredibly young, he manages in his autobiography to give a full description not only of the funeral, but even of the idyllic childhood he had before his father's death, showing that it must have had an intense impact on his psyche.

I was an incredibly sensitive child, the first one to cry at any movie. But pretty early on in life, I hated the sort of "runaway dog" feel that my emotions had, and so each time they showed up, I tried to pull back on their "leash" to restrain them as much as possible. At first it was only negative emotions, but then positive ones too, and finally all emotions disappeared. That's pretty much it. I'm sorry for being rude to you. Figuring all this out has been extremely hard. Psychiatry doesn't have the answers. Medicine doesn't work. I have to solve it all myself, and I can't even hold down a job. It's a really big cross to bear.

>>4798
What was the personal attack?

(cont. from >>4411)

>>4429
>self employed
Yeah, I'm not surprised. If you can't hold a stable schedule you're pretty much forced to find an unusual job that permits it, pursue freelance/contract work of some sort, or become totally self employed. To be honest, that fact is partly what feeds into my sense of guilt about laziness-- that I feel like I need to develop a more ambitious, hard-working personality to be able to the follow the generally more difficult path of building salable skills or a business myself, rather than just being able to slot into someone else's prefabricated work opportunity.

>unwillingness to expend yourself, rather than an inability
It's a good question. I'm not sure how to respond to it concretely, other than just continuing to live my life and see whether the answer makes itself clear. I often think about this distinction between volition and ability. I think my default coping strategy is to assume a very high level of agency over my actions and personality; it seems intuitively better to have an exaggerated (illusory?) sense of control over your life than to throw up your hands and underestimate that control. But, as a result, I probably have trouble answering questions of this nature objectively.

>Ritual is useful
Very fitting that you mention this. I have been thinking of ritual often lately. Routine and repetition of behavior are fundamental tools both for cultivating interests/skills and also for simply establishing psychological stability. But I really struggle to habituate behaviors intentionally. I always feel like any sort of plan or rubric I try to make for my own life immediately feels incredibly restrictive and choking-- like as soon as I give myself a responsibility, no matter how small, it immediately becomes onerous and deeply, deeply unpleasant. The reason I connect this to ritual is that perhaps a more mystical relationship to behavior can replace some of that asphyxiating onerousness with... something else. Something maybe with a little more mystique-- something that draws you forward rather than repels. Can you expand on what *you* mean by ritual?

>it may help you to be more "lazy"
Yes, this is actually something I've been trying to lean into a little more as well. I've been framing it to myself this way: contemplation, stillness and inaction are virtues; it is incomplete only to see the vice of laziness. I've been spending time every day, usually in Nature, just sitting and (optionally) thinking. I don't really have any developed thoughts yet on whether I think this practice is useful to me or whether I identify strongly with it, but for now I'm going to continue. The version of laziness that I most urgently want to avoid is the distracted, consumerist, addictive state that is brought on by technology addiction. Everyone already knows in theory how addictive social media is, but I've come to the conclusion that I, personally, am very susceptible to it (for me, the worst is YouTube-- very, very addictive). Even though I've cut down my consumption a lot, I still have the sense that if I let my guard down, all of my energy and time will be gobbled up by my damn computer.

>>4477
>Toward which goal(s)?
I have a bunch of different interests I sort of dip in and out of. I've been learning Japanese for about a year, moreso to be able to read and watch movies than to travel. It is a very difficult language, but overall I feel that I'm making good progress-- I've started to read easy novels. For a while I was trying to focus on making art consistently (check out my self portrait :) >>1378), but I've been taking a bit of break recently. I like to cook. I've been taking up a little bit of recreation math this last week, inspired by >>4103. I've dabbled with a few exercise routines (running, rucking, resistance training etc.), also something I'd like to get back into. I'd like to read more. I've gone birding a few times recently, that seemed cool. I dunno, I think I'm not really a goal-oriented person, maybe more process-oriented? I want to spend my time more engaged and just delve deeper into things I'm interested in. I feel like I fall very very short of true mastery in any of my pursuits-- I always hover around the advanced-beginner to intermediate range.

I would also like to pursue autodidacticism more seriously. I don't have any post-secondary education whatsoever, but I also think I'm a relatively intelligent and curious person. There's nothing stopping me from being more well-read and knowledgeable other than my own limited reserves of motivation and focus. If I could just remove that bottleneck, it seems like things would be much better.

As a heads up, I will not be able to reply for a few days more.

>>4788
This sounds like a depressive case to me, combined with a very low self esteem that has naturally resulted in a grim and nihilistic outlook. I've seen very similar sentiments from some people with attention deficit, who have spent much of their lives trying desperately to do something and finding themselves unable to do it. If you think it's possible you fit in that category, it is certainly worth looking into a diagnosis and specific advice for it.

Somewhat paradoxically, the experience of your depersonalization itself is a not uncommon shared experience. The guilt and shame you seem to experience at your quality of life and free time is a burden that will hinder your goals. You seem to be in a spiral of escapism and shame, desperate to be free from a cage you consider to be of your own making.

It is possible that you are the person you describe, who lacks greatly at interpersonal relationships. However, you should reflect on how your circle feels. Do they compliment you, and enjoy your company? When they do, do you feel nothing and barely believe them? If this is the case, it is quite a self-centered impulse to so wantonly ignore the feelings of others. You mention your cynicism. While the word certainly has negative connotations, if this is your leaning, there is no reason to hate yourself for it. Rather, you should find ways to playfully reframe it to engage with others.

I find no problem with your outlook on life and your perspective, formed from the root of your suffering. However, if this outlook extends to yourself in such a way that it cripples your ability to find love and self-improvement, it should be modified to serve you better.

The following is extrapolation, please feel free to ignore it should it not apply. I hope you are not insulted by it, as that is not my intention. I apologize in advance if I do not bring a suitably light touch to a heavy topic.

Do you experience ideations, general or specific thoughts of suicide or simply ceasing to exist? You seem to be very depressed and actively hurting. If this is the case, think about how you are alive. Surely, you are for a reason. Perhaps you consider it a coward's way out. Perhaps you wouldn't want those around you to miss you, or to bother them. Perhaps you simply haven't yet set a date. Regardless, there is the fact that you live. Drill into this, and bring it deeper into your personality. Is it because you don't want to bother others? That means you care about others.

You are a human. You may not believe it. You may think yourself capable of cruel and senseless acts, even. I will believe it for you. So many people have felt the way you have before. Read their works. Weep for them. For the belief you are not human perhaps is the most human impulse of all, as most simply believe they are without proof. Find your proof, and live and see the sorrows and joys of the world. And if this proof is so anathema to your complex that you are blind to it, you may become a monster. For even the monsters are human.

>>4812
I could lean towards it being an inability rather than an unwillingness. You repeatedly express some level of desire for a career and for your hobbies. You set yourself up for failure by over-assigning agency.
Relevant listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcO10Fim0C8

>Ritual
Yes, elaboration is necessary here. I mean of ritual beyond the mundane sense, and in a more spiritual or religious one. It should be noted is not necessary to believe in anything beyond the material.

In essence, your identity is in part formed post-hoc to interpret your actions, and in part as it is already defined. Trying to form a habit through force of will is a failing strategy for someone like you, whose self-definition already includes a memory of previous failures. If you set a rule for yourself and then break it, you have taught your mind that your own rulings are merely suggestions. Think of an alcoholic or a glutton. They might see their temptation and think they mustn't or they shouldn't. Yet they are an addict, and their lower brain is undisciplined and knows that this type of resistance is merely foreplay. The thought turns into "oh, just a sip. Just a bite." and once that barrier is crossed - every barrier is crossed and the meager resistance exists no longer.

Your mind has no inherent function that ensures the things it believes must be in any way tied to reality. Rather than preforming a battle - the alcoholic would do well to think "Huh? Why do I want that? I don't drink." By self-defining as someone who does not drink, on a fundamental level, it turns the internal analysis on it's head. Rather than a difficult mountain of a task, it becomes easy to simply act as you are.

You must keep in mind that change is overnight, and that it is fine to believe altogether contradictory things. You wish to be an artist? If you wish to become it, you must already be it. Or at least believe yourself to be it. Rather than a strict schedule, the framework changes. Do your hobbies cause stress when the results are not up to your standards? You must think to yourself "Ah, I love this. It relaxes me." For even if it is not true, it becomes true when repeated oft enough.

And herein lies the ritual, a spark and a tool both. We are superstitious and religious in our nature. You must think in a pattern similar to OCD, though not quite to that dysfunctional level. Fill your rituals with symbols both personal and representational. As an example, flip a coin on your desk. Think "Ah, I must practice for five minutes then flip the coin back to it's resting state, or something awful will happen to me." Take it seriously. You must remember, that if you fail the ritual even once, you must reset or recreate it. For it is only as powerful as you believe it is. And even if the conscious mind thinks it quite silly - your unconscious will notice that ever time the coin is flipped you draw, and your unconscious will believe in it's power until it is proven false.

>contemplation, stillness and inaction are virtues
I agree with this analysis. The stillness you find in contemplating outside is far separated from the idleness and "shutting your brain off" feeling of online video. This is indeed something you should be guarded against, and I commend you for your efforts in attempting to avoid it thus far.

Bump

There was no need to bump. Therapy is over. The project is completed.

Everyone is fixed :)

I'm not, though. I wish I saw this thread at the acme of my suffering, now the damage is already one, but I suppose writing this will ease my spirit.

(I'm joking, I don't take myself very seriously)

I've got infatuated with a woman. I'm very inept socially, and I'd say around her I act even more awkward than usual. We share similar interests and sense of humor. I cherish the convos we have in the public transport; I've found myself trying to force myself to dream with her, with little success. The days before I'm going to see her I get extremely nervous, I can't focus and sleep badly. When I see her I feel as if my chest was kicked by a horse, so to speak. And when she isn't there... I feel bad, disappointed. I'll have to wait another week! Then the circle continues.

It seems mostly idyllic, but there's a problem: yes, she has a boyfriend.

What do I do, dear Dr. Selfsuck? It's a common issue, methinks; but I'm too lazy to do my "research" on how to deal with this, and apparently when it comes to her I can't think rationally.

>>5738
I'll leave the psychoanalysis to the illustrious doctor. I am drunk, mean, uncredentialed... impatient with hopeless romantics. Regardless, my humble unsolicited advice: cherish the camaraderie. Your relationship with her may only ever exist in passing; temper your soul to expect nothing more. Maybe one day your friendship will extend beyond public transport. Maybe one day she won't have a boyfriend, maybe one day you won't ever see her again. Them's the breaks. Be grateful for the positive human connection you have with her in the present.

Don't overthink this. You gotta chill. If your infatuation outweighs sense to the point that you are unable to chill, then you've two somewhat reasonable options: talk to her about these feelings, or fuck off and get a bike.

I didn't expect this thread to come back up again. I saved it in the webpage archive (webpage.ph if I remember correctly) a few days ago in case anyone wanted to revisit these posts.

**This post is not at all affiliated with Dr. SELFSUCK, or any related businesses, enterprises, nor trademarks related unto**

>>5738
This post has struck close to home. I went through something very similar last decade when I quickly grew "close" to a girl at the start of my masters program. My advice is to, seeing as you are aware of your developing feelings, get the fuck out. Unless you believe that you can win the Long Con and she would choose you if she left her current boyfriend. But then you have to acknowledge that, on the off-chance she left her bf for you, she could and would easily do the same, TO you FOR somebody else. These desires of wanting more with this woman to the point that it has affected your physical behavior ("can't focus and sleep badly", etc.) is not at all healthy. You need to bring this to a head sooner than later. I speak from experience. Abort.

>>5736
There are not enough bandages in the entire world
>>5738
>>5745
This option is quite possible, mostly due to the nature of your relationship as it exists in a transient setting. I would not consider it an option for you if you two had a closer relationship. It is a mature way of going about the situation and may help develop your character. However, on following this route, you may find yourself dangling along on a thread of hope only to eventually fall into the canyon below. Be wary of deluding yourself into the belief you are "working on it" while your infatuation grows. The content of your post also indicates that this would be quite the difficult option.

>>5826 also has a point. If you do not believe yourself capable of gaining control over the flame in your heart, you must either distance or truly seek after her. For living in a fantasy would be truly detrimental. Are you selfish enough to go after her? Could you be a snake, could you live with yourself if you were one? Consider her feelings. I do disagree that if she left her boyfriend for you she would be willing to do the same. While it can be a good rule of thumb when evaluating a romantic candidate, people are not so simple. Distancing yourself is also difficult, because it is to kill the hope you have. You must decide how you want to live, what kind of person you would like to be.

On the note of the healthiness of your situation; it is my view that it is not unhealthy in it's essence. To feel strongly is not bad. It is only unhealthy contextually when viewed alongside the larger tapestry of your life. If you have a pattern of falling for unavailable woman, or if you have a pattern of falling for women whom you do not know very well and you become less attracted to them as you grow to know them, as examples.

I've noticed, in the last few months, that I've developed an aversion to being around my family. I don't hate them, and they've done nothing wrong. It feels closer to claustrophobia, or being in a room with a crying infant, where I just feel nervous/irritated/sick in their presence and want to be alone as soon as possible.
As I'm attending college, I don't see them too often so it isn't much of a bother, but I worry that there's a root cause which will lead to me being repulsed by those I'm close to.

>>5862
This is entirely normal, assuming you're of regular college age. It's not something you need overly concern yourself about. It's fine to avoid them, as long as you're getting out and being with friends rather than locking yourself in your room. As you grow and develop, or if you are able to move out, you will grow closer to them as you naturally value your bond more. You being concerned about this and disliking it in the first place is a sign that you are filial and value them. You have done no wrong, and should listen to this instinct.

>>5862 this is what it feels like to become your own person

I am 27. I have friend (all male) I regularly meet, I have a good job which I like doing and which has a decent career outlook, I am active in two sports groups once a week each, I go to the gym regularly, I am interested in various subjects literature/technical/others, I do not sperg out, even when alcohol is involved, I can actually hold a conversation with another person, I admit that I am clearly an introvert and somewhat shy, but I do not actively avoid social situations.
(These are just inb4s: Yes I shower regularly, Yes I know what a deodorant is, Yes I wear clothes which fit me, No, I have never worn an Anime shirt in my life, No, I do not talk to people about obscure politics)

Nevertheless I have never had a girlfriend and the idea of that changing seems totally implausible. Not Implausible in that I am likely going to be rejected, but implausible in that I am ever going to meet a women my age range which has at least some potential interest in dating me.

>>5988 It is implausible but it's not your fault. You and the rest of us are living through an unprecedented collapse in social bonds and relations. Just weather it through and treat your fellow man with kindness whomever they be. Accept your fate and pray your next reincarnation will be in a more gentle age.

>>5993
Essentially advising him to give up and accept being the last of his genetic line--awful.

>>5998
"genetic line" lmao good lord. You deserve it even less than he does.

>>5988
Do you pursue dating attempts intentionally (apps, in person single events [I do not recommend these], cold approaches, etc)? Or mixed sex social settings? Are your sporting groups with women, or just the boys?

At 27, you are not in the prime category of "single and ready to mingle", but neither is it completely over for you.

>>5993
Why tell someone unabashed cope?

>>5993

I do not accept that it isn't my fault. I know people, reasonably similar to me, who do not have this issue. So it obviously is up to me. Also not once in my life have I been a defeatist.

To be honest what you are saying seems pretty silly.

>>6006

>Do you pursue dating attempts intentionally

No, and that was what I meant by "implausible". It obviously is unlikely that some women will fall from the sky for me, but at the same time I could not tell you how you would meet a women on a dating app. Some friend set up a Hinge profile with me and I matched with some women, but at that point I was pretty lost and did not do anything.

I do not see myself at some in person dating event. I do not dislike social situations in general, but something like that seems unsuited to me. I would rather kill myself than do cold approaches.

>Are your sporting groups with women, or just the boys?

Nah, there definitely are some women. None of them are dating prospects though (already in relationships, out of appropriate age range, etc.).

>Or mixed sex social settings?

Outside of what I described, not really or at least not with any regularity. Work is very male.

>>5862
I agree with everyone else that this is a common sentiment (esp among WASP Americans), but I feel similarly and am saddened by it. I rarely feel the desire to contact my family, except occasionally or when something comes up. I'm pretty cold to them and they note this and do not understand why and neither do I. I think it might be the manifestation of some autistic trait, but again, I don't know for certain.

>>5999
You are a defeatist.

>>5988
I would think that this is a symptom of low self esteem. You may well have an overly critical inner voice.

Women date ugly men, stupid men, violent men, layabout men who leech off of them, et cetera. Men likewise do the same. And while it may often be true that the people who date these undesirable individuals are themselves undesirable - it is often untrue as well. As you say, you have a social life, a career, and are athletic. I guarantee you that there are women out there who would be interested in dating you. The idea you live with is a deluded one detached from reality - and may be reinforced by social media and the internet. It is a fabrication. Perhaps you've built it as a protective mechanism from a fear of intimacy, being judged, or rejection. Regardless, it is a mindset that is in itself unattractive and it may well be a self-fulfilling prophecy. It could be that women have even flirted or otherwise showed interest in you and you have not noticed because of your delusion. Our perception forms our reality, and a deeply held belief can color the world, making itself real.

I would recommend expanding your social circle so that more women are included. A good friend often makes a good companion. You mention an interest in literature - perhaps you might join a book club, which often have a decent ratio of men to women. You could also ask your friends to introduce you to some women. The solution is to ignore this erroneous belief and try to mentally live in a world were you may be desired. Rather than treating this belief as a true thing, try and rigorously test it as a hypothesis.
>>5993
>Just weather it through
>Accept your fate
Quite the horrifying sentiment.

No coincidence that all the moids cried "horrifying". The mere thought that sex isn't guaranteed them by all the laws in the holy books and in the stars is, indeed, tantamount to horror. They all share the same subconscious fear.

>>6049
if you think it's the fear of being without sex that scares men you are sorely mistaken, most likely misled by a popular culture which is bizarrely uninterested in accurately reflecting the male experience

>6049
bait DNI

>>6048

Thank you for your analysis. I think what you are saying is accurate. That it is insecurity, together with a combination of fear of intimacy, fear of rejection and fear of abandonment, which is both keeping me away from women and making me an unlikable person. I do not think that I have this problem when interacting with men at all though.

To be honest I am less sure about about your proposed solution. Looking for some IRL Book Club seems like a great idea and I will try to find something. But isn't ignoring self doubts inherently delusional? Or is that a necessary coping strategy to overcome partially irrational fears?

Is there a way of forcing yourself to want a romantic relationship when you don't want one, but feel you ought to?

>>6068
I'm not suggesting you bury and pretend as if the issue doesn't exist - I'm suggesting you ignore it and actively push against it. It is not delusional because there is not an element of self deception. You have the belief that you aren't attractive/worthy of attraction. Ignore it by means of not allowing it to have weight in your decisions, the belief will fail with time if you recieve love and allow yourself to believe the love is genuine. Believe in the rational idea that women may find you attractive rather than your emotionally driven complex.
>>6069
Why do you feel you ought to? Are there some aspects of it you find appealing even if you don't desire a relationship? I need more information for this one.

>>6159
I am >>6069. I want to have a partner for life but I have no romantic or sexual drive in me at all. I would also like to have kids as I feel life would be hollow without them.

>>6165
There are a multitude of ways people form deep relationships to each other. We tend to categorize relationships into either platonic or romantic, and in doing so we discard much of the depth and flexibility of connection. The very language and terminology we use limits the conceptual idea. There are people who spend their lives with another person, living in close proximity, without the relationship being sexual or romantic. This may be difficult to find, but it can be found. The line between a deep platonic relationship and a deep romantic one is difficult to distinguish.

If you have little romantic or sexual experience, it is possible that your libido is responsive rather than spontaneous. If you have had strong adverse experiences, your trauma may be blocking your libido or preventing you from being conscious of it. With that being said, while some people with little sex drive are made that way by their lives, there is no doubt some that are simply born that way. If it is a conditioned element, it can be corrected. We are sexual creatures, and while you may not have an active desire for sex, you may find yourself developing this desire should you engage with sexual activity in an enjoyable way.

It's important to determine if you want children not for a self-appeasing sense of following a path laid before you, but rather for a deeper fulfillment. Is it important that the children are blood related? The act of raising a child, even if it is not your own, can be deeply rewarding.

When I'm speaking to other people, I'm intentionally vague with my views. I try to come up with something absurd and try to pass it off like I'm living in my own world. This has succeeded and the political channel I talk in thinks I'm serious when I say the CIA debunked the epstein claims.

>>6273
Are you a private person typically, or are you only like this with politics?
>>6271
Thanks, but what are the causes of a non-spontaneous or more responsive libido beyond trauma or adverse experiences? While I've had bad experiences, I would think there are inborn personality traits at play here too, because most who suffer trauma still have more or less normal relationships and I don't.
Re children, I want to have kids for all the typical reasons, but part of it is so that a part of me can 'continue' even after I am dead. I don't think this is particularly unusual, and it doesn't mean I want to have offspring who are carbon copies of me.

>>6275
Well, when I was a kid. My mom would bring me to a bunch of psychologist and language experts to check up on me. Because the kindergarden teacher would tell her I'm an Autist, or stupid or whatever. Although I mostly stuck around language doctors. This would result in me just being a shut in and barely talking to people, besides strangers on the internet.

I too am schizoid.

>>6283
>This would result
Real question: aren't we responsible for what we did, even as children? I find the "my parents did x, so I became y" too easy. I distinctly remember choosing to behave this or that way, adopting this or that strategy as a child. Not knowing has never been a sufficient excuse to absolve from responsibilities, but the childhood stuff seems to be the exception.

>>6287
I couldn't properly speak my mother language, that was the issue. From what I've been told, I first started speaking in German, it wasn't my native lnaguage btw, then I switched over to English.

>>6285
Not uncommon.
Are you alexithymic too?
>>6287
>I distinctly remember choosing to behave this or that way, adopting this or that strategy as a child.
I remember the same when I look back at my own childhood.
>>6288
How did you learn German then?
I would have thought that first language and native language are always the same thing.

>>6291
It's just a thing my parents told me. But I watched a lot of german shows when I was a kid so I picked up on some of the words. This is the principle of comprehensible input, where you just listen to the target language until it starts making sense.
>I would have thought that first language and native language are always the same thing.
Well, this is all info I got from what my parents said. The only thing I know for a fact is the true, is that I could speak English when I was 6-7 years old.

>>6287
>I distinctly remember choosing to behave this or that way
So you weren't raised through having one of your parents yell and scream at you any time you ever upset them for any reason or did something they didn't like throughout your entire childhood? To the point where you were threatened to have a bullet put through your head if you did the wrong thing? You sound lucky and privileged with your healthy upbringing.

>>6321
A bit overdramatic.

>>6322
Maybe anon is exaggerating a little to get the point across, or maybe not. Either way they have a point. While I believe that past a certain point (which happens a lot earlier that many people would want to admit) you have the responsibility to fix your life and get over your past experiences as much as you can, those of you saying that we are all responsible for the choices we made even as children, since you can remember having agency even back then, definitely sound like you never had to face any significant amount of distress in your formative years. And obviously being so ignorant about how other people went through childhood while claiming that your opinion is applicable to everyone else even though you have very limited experience is going to piss some people off, like >>6321.

I myself was a VERY well behaved child, both in class and at home (there are elementary school teachers that still remember me because of how good of a student I was), and that didn't save me from being occasionally hit at home and even more frequently threatened with being beat to a pulp. Again I never caused any problems and in most cases my mistake might have been being too tired or stressed to answer as nicely as I was expected to. That still sticks with me, and even though I know it's my responsibility to get over it now, it sure is an advantage when you just never have to face that kind of struggle. So yeah saying stuff like >>6287 and >>6291 isn't necessarily all wrong, but it screams "I had a comparatively easier childhood and assume that my life experience is universal, so those who don't agree are just looking for excuses".

I also got punished for nothing despite following the rules like a simp. Really makes you feel like you might as well have been screaming and throwing chairs the entire time. Maybe the little retard shits in class were the right ones all along.

>>6340
I don't like to psychoanalyze too much but I wonder if your focus on past unfairness is because even now you still feel over-constrained. It must stick in your mind if you still think about it now. I was blamed for things I didn't do despite being a goody two-shoes, and I don't hold any resentment for it. Perhaps you could do with being a bit looser now.
>>6352
That said, I will encourage my son, and possibly daughter, if I have kids, to not be slavish rule followers. Some rule-breaking is good for kids, particularly with classroom teachers being openly anti-male (and by extension, anti-tomboy)

>>6322
Your willfully ignorant opinion toward child development? Agreed. You crumble when faced with opposition.

>>6340
>>6321
Actually, the choices related to abuse were what I was referring to. The things I remember are the coping strategies around it. I remember choosing that I would ostensibly pretend it didn't hurt, and that I didn't care (that will show them!), and I remember finding out that the best way to pretend was to make it true, by building that wall around what I felt. I chose it, specifically in order to make them mad.
This is a reactive choice to abuse indeed, also a misguided one, but it is still a choice I made, and I am still the one dealing with its consequences. There is no point in denying it.

Who else here /schizoidpersonality/?

>>6722
me ;)

>>7206
yay!