I’ve used adderall as a coping mechanism for the last few years, following a BPD-style breakdown that crushed my life. I had the social life of my dreams, lost my mind, and destroyed it all.
In the time since, I’ve gotten insanely addicted, taking WILD doses just so I can lay in bed and play video games all day.
I have always prided myself on my self awareness. I am aware that adderall gives me the ability to complete tasks I otherwise wouldn’t have had the willpower to even start. But I have not noticed any differences in my ability to socialize. Apparently - others have.
When I inevitably run out early from double dosing, there’s always a few days each month where I can’t take any adderall. And on those days, people treat me normally. The way I remember being treated.
I don’t know what it is that makes me so hateworthy when I’m on it. I work as hard as possible. I do everything I can. People absolutely fucking detest me. I don’t know what I do wrong.
Maybe it’s something in my face, my mannerisms, my choice of words. Something like that changes. I can’t detect it. I was always a little spergy, as most of us here are, I’m sure - but people liked me nonetheless.
I think I have to stop. I’m terrified. My doses have been insane. It’s going to be a long road back to normalcy. Rewiring my brain. Being normal again. The days after you stop 100mg+ are crushing. You can hardly move.
I hope it IS the meds that’ve got me fucked up, and not something else I haven’t realized yet. I hope that quitting would make me normal again.
But I’m worried. What if I quit, if I lose this ability to have unstoppable willpower - and nothing changes?
It feels so good. I’ve done so much. I’ve read so much and learned so much and the euphoria is insane. Hard to admit that this probably shouldn’t be legal.
It’s meth. I’m a meth addict. Jesus.
In the time since, I’ve gotten insanely addicted, taking WILD doses just so I can lay in bed and play video games all day.
I have always prided myself on my self awareness. I am aware that adderall gives me the ability to complete tasks I otherwise wouldn’t have had the willpower to even start. But I have not noticed any differences in my ability to socialize. Apparently - others have.
When I inevitably run out early from double dosing, there’s always a few days each month where I can’t take any adderall. And on those days, people treat me normally. The way I remember being treated.
I don’t know what it is that makes me so hateworthy when I’m on it. I work as hard as possible. I do everything I can. People absolutely fucking detest me. I don’t know what I do wrong.
Maybe it’s something in my face, my mannerisms, my choice of words. Something like that changes. I can’t detect it. I was always a little spergy, as most of us here are, I’m sure - but people liked me nonetheless.
I think I have to stop. I’m terrified. My doses have been insane. It’s going to be a long road back to normalcy. Rewiring my brain. Being normal again. The days after you stop 100mg+ are crushing. You can hardly move.
I hope it IS the meds that’ve got me fucked up, and not something else I haven’t realized yet. I hope that quitting would make me normal again.
But I’m worried. What if I quit, if I lose this ability to have unstoppable willpower - and nothing changes?
It feels so good. I’ve done so much. I’ve read so much and learned so much and the euphoria is insane. Hard to admit that this probably shouldn’t be legal.
It’s meth. I’m a meth addict. Jesus.